I’ve made it to Job, chapter 18. God is talking to me right now –talking about distress and despair…learning to deal with the “bad” while still clinging to hope. When I wrote “Battling for Brett”, I was so upset. I now feel a little vulnerable having spoken my heart all over the internet, but sleeping since then, it seems almost like just a bad dream. Brett is playing, talking, and running like usual, and except for what may be a small sinus infection, you would never know that he had been ill.
Can you believe it?…All that chaos over a SINUS INFECTION?! I continue to be amazed at these seizure episodes. Febrile seizures are usually characterized as happening at the onset of an illness. His body just cannot regulate the rise of temperature properly. Instead of getting a fever that gradually increases, his body just goes from “no fever” to over 102 degrees in an instant, thus triggering a seizure. So far, there has only been one instance in his whole life (at age 3 months) that he has run fever and NOT had a seizure. I’m thinking…”How can the common cold, something every child experiences, can cause such problems for Brett?” He cannot be the “normal” runny nose child. Because of the seizures, we constantly have to watch over him and just know that any sign — ANY sign of a cold could be the only warning sign we have before he seizes.
Looking back to Tuesday, we remember him sneezing 3 times during the day…just three. I also remember looking at his nose and seeing one clear drop attempting to run out of one nostril…just one. That was it! No other signs of illness at all. He played fast and hard all day and night, ate well, slept well the night before — no other signs. Then it happened.
Since we’ve now seen 17 of these, one would think that we would finally recognize sure-tell signs that seizure potential was there. I mean, it has been a real “duh” moment for me. I “shoulda’, woulda’, coulda'” maybe prevented it. Shoulda’ paid more attention to the four signs we did have, so that I woulda’ started giving him Motrin or Tylenol or something that might have helped, that way maybe….just maybe…I coulda’ prevented this whole episode.
Questions like these just keep ringing in my ears. I think, having only had one very small seizure since his adenoid surgery, I have allowed myself to begin thinking that he is just a “normal kid”. But….he’s not. I cannot ignore a cough, a sneeze, a runny nose, a glassy look in his eyes, a reduction in his energy level, a moment where he might lose his balance, an awkward moment in his motor functions — they could all be the only sign of impending seizure.
So…..I go back to my “Over Protectant Mother Mode” –One that I’m sure many have felt was unnecessary. To me, however, it’s the only way I know to protect my child.
Sharing with you, some of the Holy Spirit’s heart conversations through Job:
Questions/statements listed in my bible regarding the book of Job:
“Are you seeking answers from God or a love relationship with God?”
“Will you trust God even when He refuses to give you what you want?”
“Will you commit yourself to God no matter what happens?”
“Will you repent of your sin in not trusting God through the dark times?”
“Suffering invites you to expect God’s reward when God is ready to give it.”
2. Who are the “sons of God” in chapter 1, verse 6? Anyone know?
3. Like me, Job asked “Why God”? He had some very serious questions for God. I have often wondered if it’s okay with God to question Him. I want to just say, “I’ll trust, with no questions”, but it’s really hard sometimes.
4. A funny note: Job didn’t like egg whites! (see chapter 6, verse 6)
5. My prayer for Brett, (ch. 6, v.8) “Oh, that I might have my request, That God would grant me the thing that I long for!”….healing for Brett — no seizures. Ever. Again!
6. Why did I blog about it Tuesday night? Like I said, for me it was therapeutic. Like Job said in ch. 7, v. 11, sometimes it helps to verbalize it, allowing my mouth to be unrestrained, speaking in the “anguish of my spirit“.
7. I am so thankful to all of you for the kind of friendship you offer. If I had “friends” like Job, who so uncompassionately point out my failures as the cause of my troubles, it would be horrible. I undoubtedly have many failures, but there is a place and time to lovingly counsel with me about them, and the appropriate time would NOT have been within the last few days!
8. How am I doing? Many of you have asked. I have even pondered this myself. When I am at a “low”, worried about Brett, up all hours of the night to administer medicine, jumping at the smallest sound wondering if he’s okay, making countless trips to doctors and hospitals, receiving mounds of medical bills (which, thankfully, the Lord has delivered us from)….I often wonder if I’ll ever be “joyful” again.
Job, chapter 16 and 17, is a good gauge. I was relieved to find out that I wasn’t in as much despair as Job was! (whew!) He said,
“Though I speak, my grief is not relieved” (v.6) – Well, as I type this now, speaking through words has helped to relieve.
“But now He has worn me out” (v.7) – I am not worn out, though sometimes I wonder! God still sustains me daily.
“…He has shattered me; He also has taken me by my neck, and shaken me to pieces” (v.12) – Yes, I have been shaken, but I probably needed it. I acknowledge that. I have been too comfortable lately in a lot of areas of my life. So much has gone “right”….I was basking in the moment of comfortableness, and God is showing me that anything could change in an instant. I have to be ready … at all times…to lean on Him in faith, trusting through all circumstances.
“My eye has also grown dim because of sorrow, And all my members are like shadows. Upright men are astonished at this…” (ch 17, v.7-8) – The last 2 1/2 years, since the seizures started, I admit that my eyes have grown dim at times. Try as I might, the experiences of constant worry about my child, combined with normal day-to-day responsibilities have left me just broken and tired at times. I’m guessing that many of you Christian brothers and sisters have noticed, but haven’t said anything. “A good nap” remains on my list of wishful thinking! But…I also know this is just a tiring “season”, I’ve had them before, and God will give me rest once again.
“Surely even now my witness is in heaven, And my evidence is on high.” (ch 16, v 19) – Writing my innermost thoughts on this blog is a risk. A risk that some of you may think that I am ….well, just weird! I do this, though, in hopes that someone reading this will understand that we all face difficult times. I seek to encourage you to search your heart for a right response to God through every life circumstance. My witness is directly related to the testimony of my life. Therefore, I share all this with you, praying that it will point someone toward heaven and a deepened relationship with God.
Thanks, again, for all of your support and love. I am still “a work in progress”, hoping to finish Job today.